As you may, or may not know
(where have YOU been?!?!), my lovely wife Kelly is 18 weeks pregnant.
This is a pretty big deal; we lost a child at 8 weeks a little over a
year ago. Moving forward has not been an easy process, but we are
thankful for this gift we've been given. Even though I am thankful and
grateful that God has blessed us so, it remains hard to invest into this baby.
So many thoughts, feelings, and FEARS pervade my thoughts. All
these 'what ifs' have had my wife and I on edge.
Going through a
miscarriage is a traumatic experience. Regardless if I never laid eyes on
my child, I still placed hopes and dreams about our future together into him.
He was still my son. That is a wound that will remain until
I am able to meet him again one day after this life ends. With that being
said, I am afraid of investing emotionally only to be wounded again.
Is this not human nature?
Do we not wish to protect ourselves from pain? We invent machines
to labor for us in order to spare us from the pains of manual work. We
create medications to ingest in order to curb a headache, uplift us when
depressed, and numb us from a cold reality. Humans seek to escape pain at
all costs. We create entertainment, whether it be books, games, sports,
or even social media. We long to fill a void within us, a gaping, aching
wound. This is why addictions are so prevalent. They come in all
shapes and sizes, from the most obvious being drugs, alcohol, and gambling, to
food, pornography, sex, and even shopping. All this in vain. To
escape a little pain...
I'll be honest, I've
plotted a grand escape on more than one occasion. I'm as guilty as the
next man, maybe even more so, but it still doesn't negate the excruciating pain
of the loss I've had. There is only One who is able to do that, and He
has helped. Now for some hope...
Before Kelly had her first
ultrasound at 6 weeks we were as excited as we were anxious. Again, the
'what ifs' spoke some grand soliloquy heralding ruin and heartache. The
night before the ultrasound we prayed. Hard. There were few times
in my life where I humbly came before God and begged. This was one of
them. I couldn't stand to see my wife go through another miscarriage.
I couldn't bear another wound on my heart. Sleep came eventually,
but it was short lived. Upon waking in the morning God spoke quietly,
whispering softly into my ear. He said, "Grace I have given to you,
God be praised." That was weird. I had a strong inclination to
look up grace in Hebrew and Greek:
The word 'grace' literally
means 'favour' In Hebrew it is CHEN from a root word CHANAN - to bend or stoop
in kindness to another as a superior to an inferior (Strongs 2603) In Greek it
is CHARIS and has the idea of graciousness in manner or action (Strongs 5485)
it comes from a root word CHAIRO to be cheerful, happy (Strongs 5463)
When used in reference to
God, it is the benevolent action of Him stooping down to us in His kindness to
reach us in our need, and convey upon us a benefit. His grace has been termed
'unmerited favour' but it is more than an attitude of favour or mercy. His
mercy is an expression of His compassion toward us, but His grace is an
extension of benevolence translated into action that releases His enabling
power into our lives.
I wept, tears of joy
streamed down my face as I realized that God heard our prayer. And
answered it.
Three months have passed
since then and Kelly has been devoid of any serious complications (aside from
having all day sickness in lieu of morning sickness). The baby is
developing normally, achieving all of the milestones that babies in utero are supposed
to achieve. We are blessed.
In another two weeks we
have an anatomy scan to make sure baby is developing well and also to determine
the sex. It's a bit more in depth, I suppose, than just an ultrasound.
That's how I understand it anyway with my lack of a uterus. Then in
another 22 weeks, around July 13th, I'll finally be able to look my child in
the eye and tell them:
